The 30 Secret Signals Of The Rebel Toddler Squad

Hello all. I am writing this from my top secret, super hidden safety bunker. After discovering what I am about to tell you about, I figured that the best option was to get the hell out. I’d let you come and join me, but you know I’m just not that good at sharing.

Hang on, I’ll draw you a map.

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Nah! This shit is mine!

OK, let me tell you about what happened the other day. I was walking down the street with the kids when we passed some equally kid type people coming the other way.

So far, so normal.

But when this very angelic looking blonde toddler passed my girls, she casually waved her hand at them. Nothing to write about, I hear you cry?

Man, you guys are naive. Luckily, you’ve got me to work these things out for you.

You see, this girl wasn’t just saying hello. She was signalling to them.

It’s ok, I can see what you’re saying. I’m overthinking this, right?

Wrong! Because you see, after I discovered this I started doing some research. I have a found out that these demonic hellbeasts we call our ‘beloved children,’ have a whole language of their own, that they usually solely to fuck with us.

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Woman I can hold a crotch oak… I mean cockroach, without even flinching. What makes you think I can’t mess you right up?

I mean, realistically, what else would they use it for?

Believe me or not, it’s your neck on the line <shrugs> I took tremendous risks to get this to you, so you’d better bloody appreciate it. Now read!

Here are the first thirty signals. I’m sure there are more, but a girl’s gotta eat, you know? Plus toddlers are super fucking scary to work with.

1. Ear tug – Insist you’re a rabbit and only answer to the name Ralph. Refuse to eat carrots in any form.

2. Foot tap – Make like a rock.

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3. Nose scratch – Hold your breath when your mum comes to check you at night. Wait until she panics and pokes you. Then wake up, crying indignantly.

4. High five – Dress like this. All day.

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5. Head shake – Learn how to do a forward roll. Do it straight off the couch. (Bonus points if you bite your tongue.)

6. Bum wiggle – Shit yourself. Do it now!

7. Wave – help your mum to get you ready for bed. Ensure all help is decidedly unhelpful.

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8. Blow raspberry – Only accept a drink from the pink cup. No, the blue cup! The yellow! GREEN!!

9. Finger click – Glare at your mother all day long. Refuse to explain why.

10. Hop – Respond to every question with the word ‘poop.’ Unless it’s relevant.

11. Finger in nose – Lick that wall. Right there. Don’t avoid the green bit.

12. Teddy drop – Drop your teddy. Preferably into that slightly questionable puddle over there.

13. Clap – Splash so much in the shower that your mum slips on the wet floor and falls into the bath. Then howl because she hurt your little toe.

14. Smile – Ask for your most favourite food for dinner. Then throw it on the floor.

15. Nose wiggle – Make every nonsense babble noise you make sound like those words your mum mutters under her breath when she’s having a bad day.

16. Jump – Cry until she lets you sleep in her bed. Sleep with your arse on her pillow.

17. Offer food – Hide this food in the couch cushions until it gets all sticky and gross. Then eat it. Scream blue murder when she tries to take it off you.

18. Ballerina pose – Spill your drink everywhere. Unless it’s water. Because what’s the fucking point in that?

Fuck this H2O bullshit!

Fuck this H2O bullshit!

19. Lick arm – Stand on literally anything shaped like a cylinder. Blame your mother when you fall off.

20. Arm flap – Check to see if you’ve mastered the art of flight yet. Preferably from a height.

21. Skip – Hone your abseiling skills. Using the curtains.

22. Trip over – Trip over, right now! Don’t use your hands to save yourself.

23. Jazz hands – Open one side of your nappy. Now wee!

24. Runny nose – Wait until two days before your birthday. Get sick.

25. Wiggle toes – Discard one shoe. Repeat until your mother turns a fetching shade of purple.

26. Finger point – Behave responsibly with your new scissors for two whole weeks. Then hack off a couple of clumps of hair.

27. Knee tap – Ask to play with play dough. Make a penis and insist on it being displayed on the mantelpiece. Forever.

28. Head scratch – Put a bead up your nose. Try to get it out but succeed only in pushing it further up. Don’t tell anyone.

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29. Wink – Refuse to go to sleep for at least two hours. Wait until your mum’s eyes drift shut in a haze of exhaustion. SCREAM!

30. Teeth baring – Vomit in a giant pile behind your toy kitchen. Deny all knowledge.

Who knew? There we were, assuming that our toddlers were either pissing about, procrastinating or just being plain annoying. And it turns out that we were actually completely right! But what makes it worse is that they’re doing it together.

Betcha glad that I told you now, aren’t you?

Now to get to my bunker, you need to make a left at… ah fuck it.

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It’s top secret for a reason!

Over and out.

The Ancient Art Of Secret Eating

Let me make something clear before I start. This is not an advisory post. If you don’t already do this, then it’s probably not the best idea to start. If you do, then rest assured that you are not alone.

Right, well that’s the disclaimers out of the way.

This isn’t a problem when you have a small baby. You can sit down right in front of them with a cake, and they don’t even know what they’re missing. But babies grow up, and then they’re standing in front of you with reaching hands, saying, “Der ya go!” That’s when the secret eating begins.

The problem is, you make something like this:


And you know that you’re going to want to eat at least six times the amount you’re prepared to give the children. Because you want them to be all healthy and shit. I want me to be all healthy and shit as well, but most of all I want to eat cake.

Plus, I’m exhausted. The days are long when the nights are spent settling a baby back to sleep and ridding big kids of nightmares and twisted covers. A quick sugar boost does wonders for that ‘slump’ moment, when all you want to do is collapse into bed and tell responsibility to get to fuck.

Still, the issue isn’t so great while they’re small. There’s always nap time. And if you’ve got a safety gate on the kitchen door, you’ve got plenty of time to stash the goodies before they see you.

I'm sensing that I missed something.

I’m sensing that I missed something.


After a while, you have to be even craftier. Big kids have an inbuilt sensor to detect the moment you open the cupboard.

And worst of all, they can open the gate.

A head pops round the doorway with big, inquiring eyes and a salivating mouth. “What you eating?”

“Nothing!” I reply. I have acquired great skill in hiding something behind my back without it looking like I’m hiding something behind my back. Or dropping it. I’m unreasonably proud of this.

I can tell that they’re never convinced. They glare at me suspiciously and with such intensity that I’m almost certain they are activating the X-ray function in their eyeballs.

What do you mean, that’s not real? Show me the research!

Reasearch shows that X-ray vision is, in fact, imaginary.

Research shows that X-ray vision is, in fact, imaginary.

So you say only Superman has X-ray vision? OK, I’ll take your word for it. But I’m still not so sure.

Eventually, they work out that even if I am concealing something, I’m not about to tell them what it is. They retreat back into the living room, throwing one last searching look at me as they go. Once I’m sure they’re gone, I retrieve my bounty (not Bounty. Coconut <shudders>), and shovel it down me as fast as I can.

Because I’m not dumb enough to think I can get away with it a second time.

The other reason I secret eat is just simple maths. Let me tell you about it in the style of a school maths problem (sort of):

Q: Char has 1 piece of cake. She also has 3 ravenous hell-beasts (aka children) licking their lips around her. If she shares the cake with said hell-beasts, how much will she get?

A: Not e-freaking-nough!

You see, if the kids realised that I was snacking in secret, I’d have approximately 2.6 seconds before they were gathered around me, clamouring for a bit.


Or begging like puppies, if you will.

What looks like an impressive slice will look, at best, a bit pathetic once they’ve had a go at it. Now, I will give anything to my kids. I will give them an essential body organ if they really need it. My time, my love, my pillow space. Even the clothes off my back, if it comes to it. But for God’s sake, not the cake as well.

I spend most of my life trying to instil into the children the values which I want them to have as they grow up. Determination, kindness, generosity…

But still, I don’t want to share!

Here’s a few pointers, to help you to achieve an optimal secret eating technique:

1. If it’s got a plastic wrapper, forget about it! Even a six month old can detect one of these opening from a hundred feet away.

2. Remember to pause the washing machine. You need to be able to listen out for people sneaking up on you.

3. Check your mouth for crumbs before you go back in. This is a crucial one. Forgetting this will be your downfall!

Follow these simple rules and the holy grail of uninterrupted cake-eating will be yours.

This is what failure looks like.

This is what failure looks like.

N. B. If you don’t like cake then firstly, what the hell is wrong with you? Secondly, sorry about that. Thirdly, cake isn’t essential for this. Just insert your favourite snack and off you go!