Hello all. I am writing this from my top secret, super hidden safety bunker. After discovering what I am about to tell you about, I figured that the best option was to get the hell out. I’d let you come and join me, but you know I’m just not that good at sharing.
Hang on, I’ll draw you a map.
Nah! This shit is mine!
OK, let me tell you about what happened the other day. I was walking down the street with the kids when we passed some equally kid type people coming the other way.
So far, so normal.
But when this very angelic looking blonde toddler passed my girls, she casually waved her hand at them. Nothing to write about, I hear you cry?
Man, you guys are naive. Luckily, you’ve got me to work these things out for you.
You see, this girl wasn’t just saying hello. She was signalling to them.
It’s ok, I can see what you’re saying. I’m overthinking this, right?
Wrong! Because you see, after I discovered this I started doing some research. I have a found out that these demonic hellbeasts we call our ‘beloved children,’ have a whole language of their own, that they usually solely to fuck with us.
I mean, realistically, what else would they use it for?
Believe me or not, it’s your neck on the line <shrugs> I took tremendous risks to get this to you, so you’d better bloody appreciate it. Now read!
Here are the first thirty signals. I’m sure there are more, but a girl’s gotta eat, you know? Plus toddlers are super fucking scary to work with.
1. Ear tug – Insist you’re a rabbit and only answer to the name Ralph. Refuse to eat carrots in any form.
2. Foot tap – Make like a rock.
3. Nose scratch – Hold your breath when your mum comes to check you at night. Wait until she panics and pokes you. Then wake up, crying indignantly.
4. High five – Dress like this. All day.
5. Head shake – Learn how to do a forward roll. Do it straight off the couch. (Bonus points if you bite your tongue.)
6. Bum wiggle – Shit yourself. Do it now!
7. Wave – help your mum to get you ready for bed. Ensure all help is decidedly unhelpful.
8. Blow raspberry – Only accept a drink from the pink cup. No, the blue cup! The yellow! GREEN!!
9. Finger click – Glare at your mother all day long. Refuse to explain why.
10. Hop – Respond to every question with the word ‘poop.’ Unless it’s relevant.
11. Finger in nose – Lick that wall. Right there. Don’t avoid the green bit.
12. Teddy drop – Drop your teddy. Preferably into that slightly questionable puddle over there.
13. Clap – Splash so much in the shower that your mum slips on the wet floor and falls into the bath. Then howl because she hurt your little toe.
14. Smile – Ask for your most favourite food for dinner. Then throw it on the floor.
15. Nose wiggle – Make every nonsense babble noise you make sound like those words your mum mutters under her breath when she’s having a bad day.
16. Jump – Cry until she lets you sleep in her bed. Sleep with your arse on her pillow.
17. Offer food – Hide this food in the couch cushions until it gets all sticky and gross. Then eat it. Scream blue murder when she tries to take it off you.
18. Ballerina pose – Spill your drink everywhere. Unless it’s water. Because what’s the fucking point in that?
19. Lick arm – Stand on literally anything shaped like a cylinder. Blame your mother when you fall off.
20. Arm flap – Check to see if you’ve mastered the art of flight yet. Preferably from a height.
21. Skip – Hone your abseiling skills. Using the curtains.
22. Trip over – Trip over, right now! Don’t use your hands to save yourself.
23. Jazz hands – Open one side of your nappy. Now wee!
24. Runny nose – Wait until two days before your birthday. Get sick.
25. Wiggle toes – Discard one shoe. Repeat until your mother turns a fetching shade of purple.
26. Finger point – Behave responsibly with your new scissors for two whole weeks. Then hack off a couple of clumps of hair.
27. Knee tap – Ask to play with play dough. Make a penis and insist on it being displayed on the mantelpiece. Forever.
28. Head scratch – Put a bead up your nose. Try to get it out but succeed only in pushing it further up. Don’t tell anyone.
29. Wink – Refuse to go to sleep for at least two hours. Wait until your mum’s eyes drift shut in a haze of exhaustion. SCREAM!
30. Teeth baring – Vomit in a giant pile behind your toy kitchen. Deny all knowledge.
Who knew? There we were, assuming that our toddlers were either pissing about, procrastinating or just being plain annoying. And it turns out that we were actually completely right! But what makes it worse is that they’re doing it together.
Betcha glad that I told you now, aren’t you?
Now to get to my bunker, you need to make a left at… ah fuck it.
It’s top secret for a reason!
Over and out.