I’ve had my suspicions for a while. So I’ve been watching. It always pays to watch. Quietly, sneakily, and always out of the corner of one eye.
That’s how you notice this sort of thing.
I’ve tried to figure out other explanations for the phenomena occurring within my house, but I’ve drawn a blank. Therefore, I can only conclude that my house is enchanted.
I can hear you scoffing, you know. That’s cool. I was skeptical myself at first. But read on, and I’m sure you’ll agree that it is the only logical solution.
1. The Automatically Refilling Washing Basket
Now, in a house overflowing with children, I expect to do a lot of washing. We invested in a dryer shortly after Squeak was born. I had resisted up until then, but I had to admit that it was just impossible to get the washing dried quickly enough. The fact that Squeak was a never-ending vom rocket didn’t exactly help matters.
So it should be easy to keep on top of the washing pile, right? Having the dryer means that everything can get cleaned and put away at speed, surely.
And I’m not even talking about the extreme lack of clothes putting-away. Because that’s not a magical mystery, that’s just me.
This is what I don’t understand. I throw in the last load of washing. Yes, I’ll admit to engaging in a bit of a silent cheer at that point.
It’s the small victories that count.
Then I walk away to do other things, obviously. Because standing in front of an empty washing basket for prolonged periods would be a bit weird, wouldn’t it?
Maybe that’s my mistake.
When I return to the kitchen, somehow the washing basket is full again. To the brim. How?! In a house where nudity is the preferred lifestyle choice (amongst the population with an age of single figures, I hasten to add), how can they generate so many dirty clothes? And so speedily, as well.
It must be magic.
Or maybe I need a bigger laundry basket. Whatever.
2. The Toy Box Poltergeist
Ok, so I may be stretching the definition of ‘enchanted’ slightly with a poltergeist. But who gives a shit? Not me.
For me, it describes exactly what goes on in the playroom when my back is turned.
We don’t actually have a poltergeist. At least, I don’t think so. Sure, I find that the house frequently looks like something has gone through it like a whirlwind, but I’m not sure that’s a particularly reliable indication of supernatural activity.
Still, I could be wrong. Let me describe what occurs. I try and tidy up the playroom a couple of times a day. Nothing excessive, just throwing the small things into boxes and moving the big things back where they live. I find it helps prevent the frequent howls from Big Girl and Little Girl because they’ve stood on a plastic arm, as well as Squeak’s many trip-overs.
It takes all of three minutes to do. But as soon as my back is turned…
I hear a clatter and a clunk.
I look back. One of the toy boxes is sitting empty in the middle of the room, its contents strewn across the floor.
Of course, you could blame the kids if you want to. Occam’s Razor and all that. I suppose it is the mostly likely explanation. But that’s the thing.
There is never a single child anywhere in the vicinity. And their faces look pretty damn innocent, I can tell you that.
On second thoughts, it must be a poltergeist.
3. The Disappearing Fruit
I think it’s true to say that if you have small children, they get through a lot of fruit. Usually.
Mine love it. They’ll eat almost any kind. So needless to say, we buy loads of it.
So, where does it go? And I don’t mean into their mouths. Some of it does, but I’m convinced that is not the end of the story.
Because it seems to me that whenever I look into the fruit bowl, all that’s there is three oranges and a rather tired looking apple. Even if we’ve only just shopped. It doesn’t make any sense.
I know they’re not sneaking it. I’m sure they could if they really wanted to, but they’d be foiled by their constant and irresistible urge to parade their spoils in front of me with a cheeky grin on their faces.
I’m considering buying shares in a fruit shop. Or at least a new fruit bowl.
4. The Time Travelling Carpet
I have to confess to being a little bit slack about hoovering. It started because Squeak was abjectly terrified of the hoover. She would scream blue murder as soon as it switched on, and cling to my legs. Not a set-up conducive to successful floor-cleaning. However, she’s over that now, and I still haven’t shifted my arse.
I do try and do it fairly regularly though, much as it irks me. Because we have a very light coloured carpet which gives approximately zero leeway to bits and crumbs. And for some reason, the children appears to moult in a way akin to a pedigree cat. If I leave it a few days, I find that the carpet has acquired enough kid-hair to make a wig for a giant.
I can’t help but feel that my effort are futile at times, though. It seems like my nice clean carpet lasts all of five minutes, before it looks just like it did again. I have pondered it, and I think I have worked out the cause.
My carpet can travel back in time.
Sure, laugh all you want. I’ll have you know that I thought hard about this. For at least 37 seconds.
I’m not sure exactly why the carpet does this. I am not arrogant enough to think that I can easily pick apart the mind-set of a floor-covering. But whatever the reason, it’s happening. Right before my very eyes.
Well, ok. Not right before my eyes. Just before I turn around, then.
5. The Teleporting Children
Predominantly, the animal I would compare my children to is the baby elephant. That’s what they sound like most of the time, leaping and crashing about. I always say that I can tell where they are in the house simply by closing my eyes and listening for a second.
Except sometimes, I can’t.
This happened to me just the other night. It was after Squeak and I had had a delightful, poorly-baby nap on the couch together. She didn’t wake up until 6.45pm, so obviously she was still playing long after the others were in bed.
I went off to the kitchen to get a drink. On my return, I was convinced that Squeak was playing next to the bookcase. She does that a lot. Her favourite game is to pull all of the books off the lower shelves and attempt to rip their covers off. Need I mention that these are my books. Of course she wouldn’t do that to her own.
I was so convinced she was there that I headed over there to give her a cuddle. Now, that bit of our room isn’t visible from the kitchen door. So I couldn’t see her, but she was definitely there.
Just as I was about to reach her, I heard a little voice say, “Daaaaaat!” From the other side of the room.
And I have to say, it totally freaked me out. Because I would swear that she was next to the bookcase. I could sense her.
Hmmm, might have gone a bit too ‘woo,’ there. But I could! She couldn’t have walked across the room, because I would have seen her. And I will not agree that she had always been on the other side of the room, and I am just imagining things.
I guess this means Squeak can teleport. And if she can, the others must be able to as well. So…
How do I persuade them to use this magical power to get themselves to school in the morning?
6. The Spoons
Oh the spoons. The bastard, stupid, annoying spoons.
I hate spoons. Or, more specifically, I hate our spoons.
They are some seriously disloyal motherfuckers. All the rest of the cutlery just stays in its pot in the kitchen until it’s needed. But not the spoons.
They just can’t wait to go off on their travels.
Yes, I do realise that talking about spoons as if they are sentient beings may sound a little questionable. But still, that’s exactly what I’m saying.
I would say that we buy spoons at least every few months. Therefore, there should be a relative treasure trove of soup-scoopers available for the taking.
You guessed it, there isn’t. Almost every time I go to grab a spoon, all I can find it forks and knives. How is that even possible? They stay in the same room all the time, for God’s sake! It’s like some kind of fucked-up version of Beauty and the Beast.
Oh, apart from the spoons that Big Girl takes to school for eating yoghurt with. But I’m pretty confident that’s not the problem.
That’s just too obvious.
No, the only explanation is that the spoons come to life when noone is looking, and plot their escape. It makes total sense, amirite?
I’ve just checked, and we are approaching critical level as we speak. Time to go spoon shopping!
Well, it would be, but I’ve got a better idea.
I’m thinking that I will dress up as a ninja, and conceal myself in a cunning and devious spot where I can effectively observe the evil spoons.
Well, I’ll probably just hide under the table. I don’t think I can fit anywhere else.
But I’ll catch them. And then they will pay.
So, having read my well-researched but not exhaustive list, I’m sure you will agree that my house is positively, absolutely enchanted. Right? Yes?
Is your house enchanted? Do you ever feel like everything is secretly working against you? If so, let me know in the comments!